Rage-o-hol

I am reporting live (mostly), from Boston, to inform you that Al-Quaeda has succeeded in carrying off its most widespread and paralyzing attack in the history of the world, on US soil. That is right, Al-Quaeda has caused this e-fucking-normous snowstorm which has buried Boston up to the cold, shriveled gonads.

The city is paralyzed. Police stand on streetcorners hopelessly trying to direct panicked citizens who insist on driving somewhere, anywhere. Buses are running, but only in the direction no one is trying to go, despite the words of an MBTA spokesperson, "Berta," who alleges that the buses are only "a little behind schedule." Walkers chatter nonsensically into cell phones as they stumble onward, gasping for breath when the air is full of tiny, glittering, lung-searing snowflakes.

Chaos and confusion reign as people each try to share what little information they have to formulate a plan: "I've been waiting for a bus for 2 hours," says one man. Minutes later a woman walking by informs him, and the 12 other people at the bus stop, that a truck has jacknifed across Commonwealth Ave, a major artery which is always the site of a major accident when it snows, completely blocking traffic. A van drives down the street with a megaphone blaring "This is a snow emergency. Vehicles parked on emergency arteries will be ticketed and towed. Al-Quaeda has won. Flee for your lives."

Ultimately, Chet, we all knew this would happen as soon as those leftist commie pinko socialist eco-nuts banded together with the enemies of America and got their way to "fight global warming." If CFCs had not been banned from aerosols and if the EPA was just disbanded like Ron Paul wants, we could all be drinking margaritas on the beach right now. Well, pinkos, I hope you're happy.